Expectations are the enemy of happiness

On balancing family expectations with reality

Good afternoon and welcome back to Creative Parenting Club.

We’re on the road this month at Creative Parenting HQ, and to mark the occasion we’ve got a special debut essay from CPC co-founder

Diego Ain

, who is currently traveling with his family in Brazil.

Diego was inspired by a challenging first few days on vacation to write about expectations — a topic which will surely be on many of the minds of many parents as we approach another holiday weekend.

Regardless of whether you celebrate Easter or (if you celebrate) how you plan on celebrating, we hope you enjoy this week’s essay.

From our traveling households to yours: we wish you a glorious, expectation-free time with your families!

Expectations are the enemy of happiness

By

Diego Ain

, Creative Parenting Club

—

Have you ever built so much expectation around an event that when it happened it couldn’t match what you had in mind?

I’m in Brazil right now with my family. We bought the tickets back in November. The trip had two main goals: to bring the kids to spend time with their grandparents, and to give us something to look forward to after the end of the intense Berlin winter.

For the last six months, this trip was our point of hope. Every time we hit a rough patch — a bad weather day, a tough moment at home or work — we’d use Brazil as an emotional escape hatch. I kept saying to myself and to my family: “Don’t worry, in six months we’ll be at the beach.” Eventually, even the kids made up a version of a famous Brazilian melody, inserting the word praia (beach) into it as their own little mantra.

We spent the winter dreaming about this

In the last few weeks before the trip, I started to get anxious. I was worried something would go wrong and we wouldn’t be able to go. I didn’t even say nice things about the trip anymore, afraid that mentioning it would jinx it.

The build-up was intense. We were pushing hard to finish work before leaving so we could disconnect in Brazil, and the pressure was palpable. Everyone — me, my partner, the kids — had thin skin by the time we left. Of course, we had a big argument before heading to the airport, and even a family hug couldn’t shake off the heavy vibe.

Still, I kept thinking: Once we get there, we’ll be fine.

Not fine

After a long overnight flight (where the kids didn’t sleep well and as a result, neither did we!), we arrived. Then came a two-hour drive to my parents’ place. We were welcomed with warm hugs and delicious traditional food, but the mix of fatigue and jet lag made it hard to tell whether the negative energy had actually lifted. Soon enough, I was fully immersed in my parents’ problems — including some health issues with my father — which quickly pulled me into a tense state of mind and behavior.

After two evenings with them, we finally left for the beach, hoping to find some peace. But the drive to Ubatuba (my hometown) was stressful. Parts of the road look like they were taken from a 1970’s Bond movie, and the trip with the kids felt intense. I still couldn’t figure out if we had shaken off the gloom.

Finally, we arrived. The sun was out. We were all sitting around the breakfast table, and yet it felt like we had just returned from a decades-long war. My partner wanted to walk alone to a café. My oldest daughter, despite being just two blocks away from the beach she had sung about for months, wanted to stay home. My youngest wanted to go to the pool.

And me? I was stuck thinking about how the trip to Brazil we’d been dreaming about was suddenly turning into a nightmare. We had build up this moment as a family together for six months, but now that we were here, no one felt like enjoying it — with each other or at all.

Letting go

I’ve always known that expectations are the enemy of happiness. Over time, I’ve learned to try not to build expectations around most things.

But we needed something to look forward to this winter through the long Berlin winter nights. And in doing so, I had packed this trip full of emotional pressure.

Eventually we had another big family fight. Maybe it was the release of all that emotional energy. Maybe we all just needed to come down and this was the only way. It didn’t feel very good at the time.

But now, a week later, it feels like we’ve finally found our rhythm.

Us finding our rhythm

Which led me to another reminder, one that I’d forgotten amidst all of the elevated expectations around this trip.

It’s all about balance.

When planning something it’s almost impossible to avoid expectations. But time and again I’m reminded that the key (for me at least) is to be open to navigating the situations as they come and find the balance between what you expected and what you’re offered in the moment. And then to live that moment with the same enthusiasm as the version of reality that you had originally planned.

Almost everyone, with and without kids, can probably relate to the experience of watching expectations collide with real life — especially when it’s something you’re really excited about.

For me, having this experience in Brazil got me thinking about what some of the other versions of my family’s story might look like.

So, here’s my question to you.

Can you think of a time where you have built up so much expectation and excitement around an activity with your family… but then the reality was completely different?

If yes, how did you navigate it?

I hope we can learn from each other’s experiences.