The Seat
An excerpt from Dad Differently: Babies, by Adam Fletcher
The following text is an excerpt from Dad Differently: Babies, the second book in Adam Fletcher’s Dad Differently series.
We recently caught up with Adam for the 8th installment of Creative Parenting Club, after which he was excited to share this snippet with us.
You can read the full interview here.
Now, on to the good stuff…
The Seat
By Adam Fletcher
(excerpted from Adam’s book Dad Differently: Babies)
Six months in, I was done shoving the buggy around. There had to be portable travel solutions too, right? Ones that would let me be free of arm?
I bought a baby carrier second-hand. And then friends gave us some. Somehow, we went from none to four in a week. I put them out on the couch, in a row. There was Tula, Manduca, Sling and Ergo Baby 3000.
Manduca had its instruction book, so I started there. “I’m going to need your help to get her in position,” I said to Evelyn, who was waving objects in front of Runa, making her tummy time against her will.
“She only likes being carried facing out,” she said.
“I know that. Of course I know that.” I tapped the instruction sheet. “Manduca can do it. Says so right here.”
Knowing I’d need to practice, because it was my first rodeo, I looked around and grabbed a nearby teddy. I picked Teddy up as I perused the instructions again, turning the page, turning it back, frowning. I put the instructions down, picked up the carrier, and opened and closed some clips. Why were there so many clips? I turned it upside down. I turned it back around. I frowned harder. I put on what I thought was the central harness, just above my hips. A square of fabric hung limply down. I put Teddy in and lifted the flap. I clipped. It felt weird. Upside down, maybe? I took it off. No, I’d been right the first time. I turned it. I turned myself. The harnesses came off. The harness went on. Teddy tumbled to the ground, headfirst.
“They’ve done it wrong,” I said, scratching my beard. “I’m going to e-mail them.”
“That would have been a hospital trip,” Evelyn said, pointing at Teddy. “Skull fracture. Let’s wait a few more months, okay?”
“Why don’t you just help me?”
“She’s too young,” she said. “And I don’t want to stress her out.”
“You’re stressing me out. I’m not going to stress her out. I’m stressed out. And you’re making her do tummy time. She hates tummy time.”
“Calm down.”
“Help me then?”
“You’re dyspraxic,” she said.
Why was she bringing that up? It was as if she wanted me to fail.
“I need to get out,” I said. “I’m going bananas in here.”
“Take the buggy.”
“But it’s so… ugh,” I said, picking Teddy up, brushing dust off his gaping skull wound, and starting all over again. Was I folding the front flap right? But the legs… Teddy didn’t have long enough legs to wedge him in there, tight and snug. He was such a stubby bear. They must really rip into him at the Teddy Bear Picnic, I thought. I wondered if that was why he was rocking the bow tie, why he’d funned himself up so.
“I went to university,” I said, as I started over for the fifth time.
“Barely,” she said. “You studied business.”
“Okay,” I said, twirling while pulling some cords. “I think I have it. Bring her over here.”
Evelyn sighed but complied. “If she cries, we take her out.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”
Runa was lowered onto the couch, on her back. Her fists were balled, but she was happy to have escaped tummy time. “Hey, you,” I said, as she poked her little tongue out. “Want to come out with Papa?” I bent forward and tried to slide the fabric under her, but it was too short, so I dropped to my knees. “Lay her on this,” I said, pulling it forward. “In the middle. No. The other middle. Lower. Arms out.”
I fastened several clips. Slowly, I lifted her up, holding her head. It was going fabulously well, until…
“Her legs don’t look like they should,” said Mama, the pedant, reading the instructions while nibbling her bottom lip. “You’re curving up her spine. You’re hunching her all up.”
“She’s fine.”
On cue, Runa started to cry.
“You’re stressing her out. Take her out.”
“Give me a second.” I checked the picture again. I twisted left then right. I didn’t look like the picture, somehow. But Runa was supported. Well, I was holding her head. Should I have to hold her head the whole time? Her wailing grew more urgent.
Evelyn stepped closer. “Shhh, my love. We’ll get you out. Get her out.”
I stepped away from her fussing, micromumming mama. Soon she was screaming, and I had to admit (to myself but not Evelyn) that she was massively stressed out. And why shouldn’t she be? I was radiating ineptitude, as usual.
“Are we stupid?” I asked, as I opened the clips and let Evelyn prise her carefully out.
“Shhhh,” she said. “It’s okay. Daddy’s a bit simple. We won’t let him use the carriers. I’ll use them. But not now. Some more tummy time, my love?”
“They’ve done it wrong,” I said, again. I went to the bedroom to watch YouTube tutorials, but they just made the situation worse, as always.
I wouldn’t subscribe to any channels on this cursed day.
There had to be something simpler. A truly idiotproof carrier. Not that I was an idiot. I just wanted to take my child out for a walk without all the buggy hoopla. It was a problem, but it didn’t feel insurmountable.
That night, when the house was silent, I plunged Amazon’s commercial depths. Got really mucky, I did. It took three hours but I found it: 3D Belly Protector & EVA Massage-Board Baby Hip seat Comfy Carrier ALL-in-ONe Pro FAST SHIPPING.
It was, more or less, just a waistband with a ledge sewn on the front. You could simply plonk baby onto it and hold her there. My hands wouldn’t be free, but the rest of me would be. There was nothing to clip, tighten, or straighten. No folds. No instructions. No flaps. It was just a ledge on a waistband. It was idiotproof. Not that I was an idiot.
It arrived even more quickly than they’d said. It really was fast, the shipping. “Look at this,” I said, pulling it out of its box.
“She’s going to hate it.”
It was on in seconds. I twirled, beaming.
“You look like an idiot,” she said.
“I’m not an idiot. I’ve been clear about that.”
“It looks like you have a massive erection.”
“Just give her here,” I said, ignoring the comment.
The child was handed over. I sat her down. She didn’t cry. Smiled, even, she did. I leaned her forwards a bit, like she loved. There was floor and she could inspect it, her number one hobby. I held her little head and skipped off to the hallway mirror. I swirled and twirled. She smiled again. She was as enthusiastic about it as I was.
“How fun is this, kid?”
“Looks stupid,” Mama said, taking a photo to send to all my friends so they could mock me in seven different group chats simultaneously.
“Who cares how it looks? Right, we’re going for a walk around the block. And I’m taking nothing but this seat.”
“Take the baby.”
“Obviously I’m going to take the baby. Jesus.”
It was a great walk. It was the best of walks. She was so close to me, the baby, that we could have a conversation. Almost whispering into each other’s ears, we were. Although it’s fair to say I did most of the talking. She could see the world better, too, and that world could see her in her shimmering, genre-defining brilliance. I pointed at many things—blue cars, a cat, our neighbour Carol who always wore ridiculous hats.
It was a great walk. It was the best of walks.
I didn’t know it yet, although I suspected it, but 3D Belly Protector & EVA Massage-Board Baby Hip seat Comfy Carrier ALL-in-ONe Pro FAST SHIPPING, or, as it would become known, “the Seat,” was a definer. Immediately vital to my parenting. Parenting has epochs. These might include breastfeeding, solids, crawling, walking, playground, tricycle, bike, and university. For every family they’re different. Evelyn and I had two: Before Seat (BS, aptly named) and Post Seat (PS).
I would never be without the seat again. So many memories of the first year are of her and me walking around, her on that seat. More of a throne. Any idiot could see it changed the whole game. It changed everything.
Thanks again to Adam for sharing an excerpt from the Dad Differently series with us.
Know of a current parent or parent-to-be who might enjoy The Seat — and all of the other chapters from Dad Differently?
You can find it in both digital as well as paperback form across all of the Amazon platforms (click here for Amazon US and here for Amazon UK).
Thanks for reading and don’t forget to check out our full interview with Adam Fletcher.